|Prerace photo with my cute pacer!|
The heat was heavy, my body sweaty, stomach sick from Gatorade, calves cramping and I just gave in a little around mile 19-20. Not a complete "I don't give an F" give in but an "I can't keep going this hard or I am going to pay for this" give in. So I walked a little. Then a little more. I did what I could do. I let my big goals go around mile 21 or 22. I negotiated with myself. Just break 3:45 I told myself. At least you will get in a good training run for Cleveland I told myself. You can try again. It's okay. Everyone is hurting. Not just you. Just do what you can do today. So I listened to my inner voice. I tried to run slower and steadier and just bring it home. I finished in 3:46:07. My husband was cramping and wanted to sit down for a few minutes. I couldn't. I just walked for a little bit and then stopped. And cried. Tears of frustration, exhaustion, disappointment, relief. The pressure that I put on myself temporarily removed. Until I try again. Soon. In less than three weeks - in Cleveland.
At times I wish I could just not care. Why can't I just do this for fun? Why do I need to compete? What makes me push myself so hard? So often? Maybe the need to control my environment? Maybe to prove to myself that I am good enough? Maybe something else? I can't say exactly what drives me. As long as I am competing I will compete against myself. I will set bigger goals. And I guess that's okay. I just want to achieve things so I set big goals and then I work hard for them. I take them seriously. I make them part of me. It's not right or wrong. That's just how it is. Thank goodness I am an amateur - I can't imagine the pressure of being an elite and having my paycheck depend on meeting my goals.
So now, I rest and recover. I prepare for the Cleveland Marathon, Green Jewel 50K and the Canal Corridor 100. One day at a time. One run at a time. One mile at a time. Who knows what the future holds. Maybe bigger things than I can even imagine in this moment. Maybe more disappointment. No matter what, the journey won't be boring. And I will learn something new - even if it is something as simple as accepting myself and my failures. At least I earned a sweet finisher medal, right? I also earned my hoppy beer at R. Shea Brewing after the race!
|Best part of this race is the medal for sure!|
|Post race at R. Shea enjoying an IPA!|